Pin It

In an effort to change the tide, which has necessitated sending surrogates to Minnesota to hold the only state Reagan lost in 1984, President Obama schedules a press conference to deploy his messianic charm.

The media cognizant of, though not communicating, the state of the race feels the need to shift from an apparatchik to an adversarial role thereby making the shift less notable toward President Romney. Also, the media understands that the creditability of their ideology is paramount to one person’s reputation.

After five minutes praising government officials on their efforts for victims of Sandy and extolling the virtue of government, the President takes questions:

Media: Mr. President, given the Sandy disaster do you think your promise four years ago to “lower the seas” was over the top?

President: It was much worse than I thought and I was hampered by the failed policies of the previous administration. So glad you are there Bush. I wonder what effect it had on my favorite golf courses.

Media: What do you think Mr. President of Governor Romney using his campaign buses to provide relief supplies?

President: There are no limits to what some narrowly-focused barrier-to-change agents will do to politicize the suffering of others. What an absolute bull-shitter that capitalist pig is.

Media: Given that many polls have you as an underdog, how do you see your chances?

President: Some polls are using incorrect methodology, but more importantly, they have abrogated their reputation by price gouging and our justice department is aggressively prosecuting them. Should have sent Holder in earlier, Gallop won’t-play-ball bastards, must set an example here, how dare they?

Follow-up Media: Are you applying the same standards to companies, owned by your supporters, who have secured government funds in green industries?

President: I will not let narrow political divisiveness deter this government from making the necessary investments in my (I mean our)future. I owe that to our children. Got to get his name, send the IRS after him, his in-laws, his children’s teachers and his pet’s veterinary. Didn’t he read my book, damn private sector, they are the enemy even if owned by friends.

Media: Given that 435 people have been murdered in Chicago to date, the same as all of last year, what steps has your administration taken?

President: I am fast and furiously doing everything I can to get guns out of this country. Probably should have phrased that differently, but they’ll cover for me as always. I’ll pick the FOX guy, can’t get any worse.

Media: Given the varying stories as to the perpetrators of the Libyan Massacre, has the administration identified the source of the confusion?

President: I am conducting an ongoing investigation of the events. Somewhere down the line errors may have been made. Ah, ah… would be most helpful if certain media parties didn’t operate with preconceived biases. For the benefit of the country we need to pull in the same direction. If you can’t trust me, as president, who can you trust? Massacre, how dare they call it that given our past indiscretions in that part of the world?

Media Follow-up: So applying your “You didn’t build that” caricature of business owners and turning it, other people are responsible for government failures, but in describing any success or good intent of this administration the use of the personal pronoun is appropriate?

President: The business of helping those devastated by the inaction of those who would ignore climate change presses me to end this press conference.
From now on FOX is excluded from all, not some, update calls, the Neanderthals. How dare they question someone of my wisdom and vision? I envy Putin. Wonder what the courses are like in Hawaii next spring.

Have a fulfilling and profitable day,

W C (Bill) Augustine,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.